EMOTIONAL AVALANCHE – from the first examination to the first cry

I made an appointment for him two weeks ago and now with the thrill of a pupil on an yearly examination I was in a hurry for his doctors’ office. All I wanted to hear was that everything would be fine. He was wearing a shirt and jeans, he was disturbingly young, extremely cocky and very late. I had been waiting for him for four hours along with my unnoticeable belly and when I finally entered his office he welcomed me with ‘What a beautiful blond mermaid.’

I perceived the four hours in front of his office as four years. Not because my bottom went flattened from sitting or because the air conditioner was not working at the modest thirty degrees in the room or because I needed to pee every fifteen minutes and the WC was constantly occupied by other beings with bellies….But because in these four hours I dived into the ocean of the thrilling destinies of his patients.

Acquiring confidence, the phrase about the mermaid remained as echo in the empty office. Finally, with held breath, I was standing in front of him. There were so many reasons to see me out in tears and tearing my soul pain but instead he told me the sole thing that mattered – it is absolutely healthy. Nothing else mattered any longer. Even when he started explaining what I was about to go through during the pregnancy I did not care at all. My new meaning of life was the only thing I had focused my mind in.

Somehow, still living with this ‘nothing else mattered’ thing I affirmatively and in full voice murmured that I am not going to gain more than 7 kilograms. In the bustle I succeeded to promise him that I will eat healthily and I will continue working out daily. Until the every end. And I keep my promises. When leaving his office I leaped with such strong vibrations of joy that I had the feeling I would destroy the planet as a meteor.

The promise was made and was due to be fulfilled. Every three months I changed the foods I was taking. I carefully chose the hours in which to feed along with the quantities through which to give power to both myself and her. Mostly to her. I worked out every single day – pilates, yoga, running. I was climbing the stairs up to the eighth floor in the office every morning and descended them when leaving. I believe that during the last few months the snorting during this process was heard in the neighboring building as well. This snorting was of course mixed with the sound of my high heels hitting the marble floor. I never took them off.

I forgot the taste of milk chocolate and substituted it with the ones of raw chocolate, raw bars, fresh fruits and vegetable smoothies along with the prominent super foods. I insanely loved my lifestyle. I was dynamic, healthy and eating properly until the very end when the scale showed 8.5 kilograms over my usual weight. I had obviously overdone with the doses of raw chocolate and had laid aside from working out. But it did not matter. She was on her way.

While he was driving as crazy over the paving towards the delivery ward I thought that this could be an ideal means of torturing the detained. You badly want to pee, somebody wants to literally get out of you and pain grows so fast that you do not have time to blink and in-between all this some paving swings you from the one end of the seat to the other. I arrived in front of the emergency with stupid smile and impatience to release myself from the pain.

By this time I even did not know that I have not experienced THE pain. When the moment came I understood what real pain was I was absolutely ready to pass away. And…she came to this world. A bustle took over the room. Until I realise what was going on somebody was handing me her for bonding the way she just appeared on this planet. WTF?! At this very moment I hated everyone especially the hands that were stitching me. Did this memory fade away? Nope! BUT none of these mattered just because now somebody else was more important than myself. The one for whom I changed my eating habits, for whom I worked out as hell, for whom I climbed eight floors on high heels everyday and the one whom I will love up until my very last breath.

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